A decision finally made

After a shift which broke the camel's back in both a literal way and figurative, I finally handed my notice in, which was much less painful than I anticipated. My manager was very light and positive about it and didn't put me under the spotlight as to why I wanted to leave. So I guess they knew that I hadn't been particularly happy in my job. And the truth is that I haven't.


I'm really not sure why or what happened, but it did. The magic and joy I had felt for the job , wasn't trumping the so called "cons" of the job. Even with everybody hawking "think of the money!!" It wasn't enough to keep me there, as to be truthful the money was good, but the warmth I felt for the job wasn't.

 In a job where all energy is directed towards being there for the patient 100% , you have to have that passion, that fire behind you, because if you don't, it makes it 200 times harder to get through a rather gruelling 13 hour day starting at the crack of dawn.

Which is why I HAVE decided to leave the hospital and move on to a pharmacy, as a medicine and counter assistant. I hope to learn the ins-and-outs of a busy pharmacy,connected to a surgery in a quaint little village. I'll also hope to gain a wealth of knowledge from the MCA qualification I'll be enrolled on (a legal requirement). This along with my hospital experience will put me in good stead for getting a part-time job at uni.

HOWEVER....

I won't be cutting ties completely to my good ol' NHS hospital. I shall be banking on my old homebase and venturing into the battleground of A&E...

At a career cross-roads

So this is really a continuation from my previous blog post  where I actually sounded salty af to be honest. The Uni rejection wounds were still very much fresh I wrote about feeling a little underwhelmed by my job, and that my slight passion had faded....

Really, the feeling's only gotten worse. After having 2 weeks of much needed annual leave (previous week consisted of a 60hr week no less) I came back to work on a bank shift, thinking I'm only going to come back Monday so I might as well prepare. I honestly felt that pointless and wishing I hadn't actually come in... I felt so helpless and guilty for the rest of the day.

And now, really thinking about it, these feelings have sprung from the fact that I don't feel passionate about my job anymore. I'd give anything to feel the way I did about my job in July. So passionate, enthusiastic,so bright. I really feel like I've lost that. In my mind I know my role is vital (despite being at the bottom of the work ladder), I just don't enjoy it. The excessive hours haven't really helped either, they've only fatigued me....


 On a brighter note, I have had 1 job offer pending trial and another interview. Both of which are pharmacy dispensing roles.

Which brings me to my cross-roads-esque dilemma. Should I completely quit my HCA job and dedicate myself to my hopeful pharmacy roles (20-25hrs) or try and split my HCA job and my pharmacy role. I'd feel keen to do it as there'd be less stress from my HCA job and something sparkly and new from my pharmacy role??


Well, hopefully my interview Tuesday and trial Thursday stir something up.

A mildly productive day

It's currently a blustery but bright May day, I've somewhat tried to get studying for my UKCAT, but the AR is being an absolute killer. I recon I have a fair grasp on QR (basically a speed maths thing) and DM (a speed statistics round) as I've been going over my GCSE maths. However the VR (speed reading) side of things also makes me very nervous too!! EEEEKK. On a slight positive, The SJT section, for me in particular, seems most comfortable, as it comprises of how you would personally judge a situation, specifically a medical/healthcare situation, so my job as a HCA has some immediate benefits.

I just can't seem to get the hang of AR!!!! ARgghhhh indeed...

On a brighter note, my driving lessons have been going fairly well. Done some maneuvers, recently navigated cross-roads and continuously making progress with roundabouts.

But with any practical must come theory of course and to be honest I haven't even started *insert crying face emojii here*. So I seriously need to get cracking on that. Saying that, I have set a date for mid-June, just before my holiday for a week, so it's all happening now!!

I have an app called MyDuty, which is technically for nurses, but I use it as a HCA, anyway it's useful as it's fairly simple and looks clean and slick with a slight cutey feel to it (I don't really mind). Seeing as things have ramped up driving wise and job wise (more about that later) I've definitely needed something like this.

I guess being busy has it's benefits...

Moving the heck on

I honestly didn't know how to react when I got the dreaded "I am sorry to inform you but unfortunately we cannot offer you a place on Clinical sciences/ Foundation year medicine"...

Funnily enough, I had just come back from a lovely outing with my mum for some retail therapy. I was mostly shocked at first and then confused. Panic then started to surge through me. I'd been very cocky and only applied to Bradford and not anywhere else.

I think after the whirlwind of panic and shock, disappointment really set it. For so many reasons. I felt mostly disappointed at that I'm still in the same place I was 3 years ago and have literally not moved in terms of career or uni life. Left behind yet again. I genuinely thought I'd be off to uni, which brings me two my second source of frustration. That is, work has not been going well recently. not in the capability/ competency side of things but the elements of the job. I was in tears 2nd day post disappointment, up to my shoulder's in some poor lady's diarrhea, and thinking "well, this is you for the next year or so", and at that I just broke down.

Being a HCA is great for the most part, but the negative parts of the job seemed to have been amplified since my uni rejection and I can't seem to shift it. I am stuck in a rut at the moment.

On a positive note, I guess, I am in part trying to move things on with my new uni applications. I've scoured the internet for foundation/gateway medicine as my grades are well below the standard of a regular medical school applicant. I'm currently preparing for my UKCAT and organising some volunteering.

I never seem to learn my lesson, even the hard way.

When life squeezes lemon juice in your eyes

When life squeezes lemon juice in your eyes, it's a shock. It gives you a shock. It stings , you cry. Rubbing at your eyes to try and get your sight back. Rub, rub, rub. Your eyes still remain sore.

One day, you find the cold water. splash your face. Holding it to your face. Hoping to feel full refreshed, but that dull ache remains. remnants of that lemon juice. You splash again, take a deep breath.

You dry your face , keeping it buried in the towel, soft and comforting. Wanting to stay comforted. hiding your eyes.

You take the towel away. Eyes sensitive from the cold rinse and warm, slightly suffocating towel. A lungful of deep breath, you are ready to see again.

How to get a job and keep it

Whether you need one for the money or experience, here are some of my tips, from my own experience of how to get a job.

we've all been here

You need to want it. Bad.

I didn't get any of my jobs, and I'm on my fourth, by casually flicking through sites like indeed.co.uk or gumtree then doing nothing about it. I spent day in day out, scouring all sorts of job sites, and a few questionable ones too, which have most likely sold my details on to third party websites (so be careful and stick to well known ones). Moving on, I also spent some time crafting up a 2 page c.v, whilst spending what felt like weeks chasing up references to back up my character.
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Filling in pages of a company's on-line application may sound boring because it is, ranging from the simple likert type personality scales "in this situation what would you most likely do?", to the "in a maximum of 1,000 characters, tell us why you'd be suited to this role". Job seeking is boring, and hard and takes quite a lot of effort and if you aren't even willing to search for one, then you've already proved that you lack the work ethic that is demanding of any job, because there are always jobs and tasks that you need to that are basically crap but need to be done.

You need to be in charge.

Complaining about how finding a job is tricky and not bothering to go look for one because of this is NOT the way to get you a job. Waiting for something to fall into your lap is just going to waste time. I printed out a few dozen copies of my c.v and travelled to my two local towns and around my village, littering the local shops and cafe's (the only places I was old enough to work in) with my two page essay on why they should hire me. I filled in dozens upon dozens of on-line applications, emailing my c.v to a few billion managers too.

The point I'm really trying to highlight (albeit rather poorly), is that you are the one who wants the job so you are the one who needs to be proactive, taking charge of the changes you are trying to make in your life.

You need to be okay with rejection.

R-E-J-E-CTED, REJECTED. If you get that reference oh dear, or congratulations late 90's kid, but yes, being able to receive and take the bitter taste of rejection will put you in good stead for the journey that is job-hunting, plus if you are intending to go to university , you'll get to experience it on a whole new level. In one of my ,what I coined, application seasons, I must've applied to about 30 jobs and only got 2 replies, and overall probably 200+ on-line applications alone. So be prepared for the old "we regret to inform you theyou aren't suitable because reasons", with the the important concept being not to hold onto the negativity of  rejection, but going straight back to searching. With anything competition based such as applying to university,  to even a drawing competition, you'll always be up against people who are just as talented and experienced as you are.

Do some work. 

If you're just starting out at job it's vital to make some work friends in order for the harder times at work to seem less dreary and annoying, just as it is to actually put your nose to the grindstone and actually get on with your job. It'll make a good impression, particularly if you're new to the whole job thing and will ensure you have a new employer reference, which will make looking for a new job  heck of a lot easier if you want to apply to other jobs.

Being a work-bitch doesn't work. 

Particularly a passive aggressive one. It just draws unnecessary attention to yourself and gives you a bad name.Trust me, from experience this never works. If you have a problem with someone or something, just go straight to your manager, nipping it straight in the bud. However, if even the managers aren't willing to fix the problem then chances are it won't be sorted, and if this bothers you, it's time for you to get the heck out of there. Being just an outright bitch doesn't work either, as again, everybody will hear about it, and if you don't have work friends to back you up, you'll find yourself in a sticky situation.


So there you have it, a few of my work experiences/ mistakes, craftily turned into advice to help you guys get your foot in the door or on the first rung of your job ladder etc.

Dusting off the ol' brain cells

Just took a look at the specification of the BMAT, "scientific knowledge students should know" , and it consists of about 2 and a half pages of science and maths topics I should already know from GCSE's. My first thought was , okay I can handle this, but really looking in detail I now realise that I'll have to go back to square one and re-learn all my GCSE and some A-level knowledge. The A-level knowledge is going to be fairly straightforward to polish up , but it's just the GCSE maths I'm a bit unsure of.

I was never a math whiz or completely unable, just the clumsy in between. Like, I managed to get a B at GCSE  but was very bad at AS level maths, so I really don't know how I'm going to get along with re-learning everything. I think a lot of my issues with maths is the anxiety I always used to get when coming to a final answer. I was never usually correct in my answers , so whenever I did come up with the right one , I used to dismiss it because it came from me (I also experienced these issues during the majority of my A-levels.)

But I guess ,like with most things, there is a silver lining in that I have an opportunity to learn without the imminent pressures of exams, and can just take this as a chance to gain my own confidence with subjects that have held me back for a while. Plus, I've always found that in order for myself to really master and enjoy a skill, I actually have some understanding , which is not what I always had with maths. So hopefully with these few months off for my gap year, I can really get these skills underwraps and polished off. So I can hopefully use these skills to the best of my advantage when needed at Bradford university one day...

Or even a passing grade at AS-Level maths...

Back in the game

After 7 weeks of doing absolutely nothing ( by absolutely nothing, I mean being off work and knee deep in A-level exams)donning my trusty uniform and sketchers, with memory foam I must brag, I returned to the proverbial workplace. It was hard, like any work is, but it just felt kinda meh. I just felt so lost and ditzy. I purposely chose a quieter ward to start with after my hiatus, to ease myself back into it, but I felt something was missing.

I just seemed to flounder a little, not really knowing what to do, and in true bank staff style I just floated, darting in and out of all bays, helping anyone that needed help.

I guess I've found it a bit tricky to re-adjust to the rigours of work after being off for so long. There are so many routines and protocols in healthcare, which are very subject to change, so being in work almost 100% of the time is very helpful if you want to keep up,as I found out in my annual training updates. Which of course consisted of the old death by power-point spiel.

So it's back to square one, re-learning all the routines and building rapports with patients, but the only way is up.

Long lost hobbies

Now that my A-levels are all done I can now indulge the hobbies I had, in what seems a former life. A lot are the usual hobbies like reading and sports, but now I can go back to one of my favourites; drawing and painting.

Since I was about 9 or 10 I really got into drawing, mostly Disney characters, but my enthusiasm for drawing and painting kicked in when I was about 14, drawing all sorts from anime to tattoos. When choosing options for the later years of my school life I chose both Graphic design and art, which probably wasn't a good choice in hindsight. Anyways, all that came to an end once I entered A-levels, and I haven't picked up a pencil since...

But, now I have all this spare time, I really feel like I should start painting and drawing again. One of the main reasons is that I miss it. Just investing the time and focus to make something beautiful or whacky or whatever. Just something that is not dull or serious. I also want to get back into painting, specifically water colour painting because I have a ton of flower pictures that I took almost a year ago, in the local flower gardens, that I haven't even began to look at yet. 

I first got obsessed with flower paintings during my last year of secondary school, because I had chosen a project based off the paintings by Georgia O'Keeffe, and really admired the way she captured the beautiful shapes and colours of tulips she often painted, with my final art piece being a HUGE watercolour painting of a red flower, particularly focusing up close on the centre of the flower. 

Incredibly, on my birthday my equally incredible friend was wonderful enough to give me a giant art set, with all the materials I needed to get painting, but couldn't due to me being slave to my studies. Fast forward 3+ years, I now can finally delve into this treasure trove of art supplies and can finally get painting again.

In the pipeline

Whilst nervously awaiting my A level results, I gotta do something right?

So, to distract me I have nice long to-do list that I'm going to work through:

1. Renew my training for work. This is very important as I've been out of the game for so long, I'll need to brush up on my clinical skills and manual handling.
2. Actually get back to work. The reason I've been out of action for so long is that I didn't want to disrupt my final exams too much, so I've been holding off for a bit. But I'm starting to get a bit stir crazy and my bank balance probably isn't looking to great either, so time to get back to that 9-5 or 7-8 in my case.
3. Get my CQC folder finished. Being a bank HCA has made it a lot trickier to complete and get fully signed off whilst only working part-time hours in addition to 3 A levels. So this summer is a prime opportunity to get it all signed off.
4. Buy a good camera. I'll need to put some hours in but, I'd like a new camera to document my upcoming adventures and to embellish my new blog with.

So, for the time being, I think this is a fairly sizeable to-do list to keep me occupied and motivated for my future adventures in Thailand. 

What's up next?!

A very good question indeed. A question a lot of us dread to be asked, but my personal stance is that one day we all have to face this question, but NOT all at once. After 3 long years of A levels, I completed my last exam. Whilst I did feel relieved, I also felt nervous and excited for the future. I should be relaxing because it is the start of summer of course (ignoring any actual weather) ,but I can't help but feel a little lost. I've been a student for so long, it's finally dawned on me that I'll have to find something else to do... more like to BE.

Or just do.

So what is up next? you may be asking... or not.

Well, I have my hospital placement in Thailand, via Gap medics  and then a week of island hopping in Indonesia coming September, which I'll hopefully fully document.

But for now it's mostly unwinding down from exams and returning to work as a healthcare assistant.

I can't predict the future, but I can be in charge of now.


N.