A decision finally made

After a shift which broke the camel's back in both a literal way and figurative, I finally handed my notice in, which was much less painful than I anticipated. My manager was very light and positive about it and didn't put me under the spotlight as to why I wanted to leave. So I guess they knew that I hadn't been particularly happy in my job. And the truth is that I haven't.


I'm really not sure why or what happened, but it did. The magic and joy I had felt for the job , wasn't trumping the so called "cons" of the job. Even with everybody hawking "think of the money!!" It wasn't enough to keep me there, as to be truthful the money was good, but the warmth I felt for the job wasn't.

 In a job where all energy is directed towards being there for the patient 100% , you have to have that passion, that fire behind you, because if you don't, it makes it 200 times harder to get through a rather gruelling 13 hour day starting at the crack of dawn.

Which is why I HAVE decided to leave the hospital and move on to a pharmacy, as a medicine and counter assistant. I hope to learn the ins-and-outs of a busy pharmacy,connected to a surgery in a quaint little village. I'll also hope to gain a wealth of knowledge from the MCA qualification I'll be enrolled on (a legal requirement). This along with my hospital experience will put me in good stead for getting a part-time job at uni.

HOWEVER....

I won't be cutting ties completely to my good ol' NHS hospital. I shall be banking on my old homebase and venturing into the battleground of A&E...

At a career cross-roads

So this is really a continuation from my previous blog post  where I actually sounded salty af to be honest. The Uni rejection wounds were still very much fresh I wrote about feeling a little underwhelmed by my job, and that my slight passion had faded....

Really, the feeling's only gotten worse. After having 2 weeks of much needed annual leave (previous week consisted of a 60hr week no less) I came back to work on a bank shift, thinking I'm only going to come back Monday so I might as well prepare. I honestly felt that pointless and wishing I hadn't actually come in... I felt so helpless and guilty for the rest of the day.

And now, really thinking about it, these feelings have sprung from the fact that I don't feel passionate about my job anymore. I'd give anything to feel the way I did about my job in July. So passionate, enthusiastic,so bright. I really feel like I've lost that. In my mind I know my role is vital (despite being at the bottom of the work ladder), I just don't enjoy it. The excessive hours haven't really helped either, they've only fatigued me....


 On a brighter note, I have had 1 job offer pending trial and another interview. Both of which are pharmacy dispensing roles.

Which brings me to my cross-roads-esque dilemma. Should I completely quit my HCA job and dedicate myself to my hopeful pharmacy roles (20-25hrs) or try and split my HCA job and my pharmacy role. I'd feel keen to do it as there'd be less stress from my HCA job and something sparkly and new from my pharmacy role??


Well, hopefully my interview Tuesday and trial Thursday stir something up.

A mildly productive day

It's currently a blustery but bright May day, I've somewhat tried to get studying for my UKCAT, but the AR is being an absolute killer. I recon I have a fair grasp on QR (basically a speed maths thing) and DM (a speed statistics round) as I've been going over my GCSE maths. However the VR (speed reading) side of things also makes me very nervous too!! EEEEKK. On a slight positive, The SJT section, for me in particular, seems most comfortable, as it comprises of how you would personally judge a situation, specifically a medical/healthcare situation, so my job as a HCA has some immediate benefits.

I just can't seem to get the hang of AR!!!! ARgghhhh indeed...

On a brighter note, my driving lessons have been going fairly well. Done some maneuvers, recently navigated cross-roads and continuously making progress with roundabouts.

But with any practical must come theory of course and to be honest I haven't even started *insert crying face emojii here*. So I seriously need to get cracking on that. Saying that, I have set a date for mid-June, just before my holiday for a week, so it's all happening now!!

I have an app called MyDuty, which is technically for nurses, but I use it as a HCA, anyway it's useful as it's fairly simple and looks clean and slick with a slight cutey feel to it (I don't really mind). Seeing as things have ramped up driving wise and job wise (more about that later) I've definitely needed something like this.

I guess being busy has it's benefits...

Moving the heck on

I honestly didn't know how to react when I got the dreaded "I am sorry to inform you but unfortunately we cannot offer you a place on Clinical sciences/ Foundation year medicine"...

Funnily enough, I had just come back from a lovely outing with my mum for some retail therapy. I was mostly shocked at first and then confused. Panic then started to surge through me. I'd been very cocky and only applied to Bradford and not anywhere else.

I think after the whirlwind of panic and shock, disappointment really set it. For so many reasons. I felt mostly disappointed at that I'm still in the same place I was 3 years ago and have literally not moved in terms of career or uni life. Left behind yet again. I genuinely thought I'd be off to uni, which brings me two my second source of frustration. That is, work has not been going well recently. not in the capability/ competency side of things but the elements of the job. I was in tears 2nd day post disappointment, up to my shoulder's in some poor lady's diarrhea, and thinking "well, this is you for the next year or so", and at that I just broke down.

Being a HCA is great for the most part, but the negative parts of the job seemed to have been amplified since my uni rejection and I can't seem to shift it. I am stuck in a rut at the moment.

On a positive note, I guess, I am in part trying to move things on with my new uni applications. I've scoured the internet for foundation/gateway medicine as my grades are well below the standard of a regular medical school applicant. I'm currently preparing for my UKCAT and organising some volunteering.

I never seem to learn my lesson, even the hard way.

When life squeezes lemon juice in your eyes

When life squeezes lemon juice in your eyes, it's a shock. It gives you a shock. It stings , you cry. Rubbing at your eyes to try and get your sight back. Rub, rub, rub. Your eyes still remain sore.

One day, you find the cold water. splash your face. Holding it to your face. Hoping to feel full refreshed, but that dull ache remains. remnants of that lemon juice. You splash again, take a deep breath.

You dry your face , keeping it buried in the towel, soft and comforting. Wanting to stay comforted. hiding your eyes.

You take the towel away. Eyes sensitive from the cold rinse and warm, slightly suffocating towel. A lungful of deep breath, you are ready to see again.